Becoming Kigurumi

  • I couldn't get the photos in here but the story is the same, if you want to see the photos which I believe help tell the story more, you can see it here.
    drive.google.com/open?id=1rvDf…FqzwqQlaCzEAJklBhSI1zVq3A

    In order to truly tell this story, we must go back in time. Way back to Otakon 2001.

    *Jumps into Delorean and hits 88MPH*

    Back then, I was a budding young crossplayer, living a completely sheltered life, while dealing with a constant migraine from a neck injury. I was just… existing…

    During the day when I was cosplaying at Otakon ‘01 I believe, I ran across Yuri. I can’t remember what she was wearing, but I remember everyone’s reaction, and I am sorry to say, it wasn’t positive. I honestly didn’t like their reaction, as I found kigu fascinating. But in my stupid youth, I went along with my friends and never saw her again.

    Afterwards, I spent some time looking for websites on what I saw. This was back in the day of dial-up, ass-slow Internet, and Google was not yet a thing. But eventually, I found her website: yuriskigurumi.com/ At this point, I was painfully shy, and nowhere near able to articulate words that didn’t sound like a creepy stalker: “hi… you’re pretty.” So, sadly, I never talked to her.

    I became a member of crossplay.net, which was a crossdressing cosplay forum at the time. I’m not sure how popular I was (Queen of Crossplay, or something) because I was so depressed and afflicted with migraine, but I know people knew about me because I took Crossplay seriously. I was one of, I think, 4 people in the USA doing it at the time (other than the girls crossplaying as Gundam Wing characters.) I did the best I could to find other crossplayers, and eventually heard about Female Masking. Unfortunately, I felt so barely human that I never really thought I had any friends, even though the people I met and the times I had are the only things of this time I have fond memories of. Even then, those memories are so fragmented and lost… I only remember how happy I was during those times.Fast forward through 10 years of Suicidal depression… Did I do anything, during those years? Yes. I existed, in a migraine-filled depression world. I went to work. I went to sleep. I drank myself under the bar to relieve the pain of the migraine. I failed College. I had my share of good girlfriends (who are my friends to this day) as well as emotionally and physically abusive girlfriends who I have tried to block out of my memory. I lost so much time…

    Things didn’t turn around until I met a person who helped me overcome that trauma to become the woman I am today.

    Fast forward over. We’re in 2015, and AWA ‘15 is just around the corner. By now, this con was boring to me. I knew the staff, and had seen everything the con had to offer. I was still extremely shy, but thanks to chiropractic, the migraine had started to subside, and I was starting to feel what a normal migraine-free life could be like.

    It was almost 10pm at the con when something amazing happened: I saw two kigus in the main lobby! They were just sitting down, getting their pics taken. I did a double-take. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing!By then, I had become bolder, but I was still very shy to things I really really cared about. I had learned of fetishes at Frolicon, gotten drunk with Klingons at DragonCon, been turned into an unfortunate meme as my Furry self (“The White Tiger that Mauled Roy” -- I didn’t intend for this to happen, but the Power of the Internet cannot be denied!) and went to drag shows at Le Buzz, where I met some fierce queens! I even performed a few times.So, back at AWA ‘15, I couldn’t stop myself. I had to meet these kigus and get a picture. This meant something… This was important… So I took their picture, mustered up the courage to ask for a hug, and went super hyper when they said yes! I was so embarrassed at turning into a full-on fangirl that I made the excuse that I had to go to bed, and left the con…

    I sat in my car for an hour trying to muster the courage to go back, but I couldn’t. The rest of the con, I looked for them and couldn’t find them again. I had been given a gift, the portal to that world, and I stupidly didn’t walk through the door. Years of con security and furry watching couldn’t give me what I needed to properly meet Rias and Maggie at that time. I was saddened and heart broken. Again, I let fear choose my path….I threw up the pics on my FB as I always did, and wrote, “If anyone knows who they are, please tag them.” Time went by with no response… Then, a few months after the con, someone tagged them. I started talking to Maggie first, and she introduced me to kigurumionline.org and kageshi.com/rooms/kigonline/swf

    I instantly joined the community! They were so amazingly accepting and positive, I couldn’t believe it. Though they could sometimes be a little off-putting, since I didn’t own a kigu. I didn’t know what it was like… I wasn’t one of them…

    ...yet.

    However, I frequented the chat room and forums, making friends, and getting all excited to be a handler at a con at some point in the future.The following year, AWA came around again. I had gotten to know a few kigus, namely Maggie, Neko and Rias. I had talked to a few others, butted heads with some, but for the most part the community was very tight-knit and accepting. I was looking forward to being a handler for Maggie and Rias, along with any kigu who happened to show up. Unbeknownst to me, Neko had sent Kyou, a loaner that has broken many a person into kigu. I was told to get a hadatai so I could try a kigu on, but alas, I didn’t have the money for it. However, i did have enough for a cheap $25 zentai (that was nowhere near the correct color.) I was beyond ecstatic at the chance to try on a kigu, just to see what it looked like.

    A week before AWA, Rias got very busy and she had no idea about the condition of her mask’s hair. I had recently gotten passionate about wig cleaning and styling, and she asked if i could take a look at her. How could I refuse? I got Rias from her, and she was a knotted mess.

    It took me nearly a week, and over 12 hours of combing to clean and detangle her. I loved every minute of it! She was so pretty, and I was doing something awesome for a friend. On Saturday I would be her handler, so I was super excited.On Thursday night of AWA, I met up with Maggie and her friend Wolf. As we were getting to know one another while out to dinner, I got a text from Rias. You see, when we first met, I jokingly said, “If you ever plan to sell her, let me know first, and I will find a way.” The text basically said she had gotten busy, her life had changed, and she wanted to sell Rias. She wanted to make sure I meant it when I said I would find a way to buy her.

    Meanwhile, Maggie and Wolf didn’t know what was going on, since I was suddenly focusing hard on my phone. I am a woman of my word, so I quickly looked at my bank account. I had enough if I cleaned out all of my savings. So I replied yes, and Rias told me to meet her later that night. Quickly, and I’m sorry to say, rudely, I excused myself and ran off. Maggie and Wolf didn’t know, but they saw that something had made me very excited.The next morning I showed up at Maggie and Wolf’s door with a very large box that had RTPS on it. “Well this explains last night,” Maggie said with a grin. I was super excited! Not only would I be a spotter for Maggie (since Rias couldn’t make it to the con) but I would have my own kigu as well!

    Maggie then told me about Neko sending Kyou down. I was slightly saddened, now that I had Rias. I was accidentally spoiling a rather special gift, since I had no need for Kyou anymore. I had to wear Rias, but I still made plans to also wear Kyou, so she wouldn’t remain stuck in her box.

    I opened Rias’s box and I couldn’t believe what I saw! Not only did I get Rias but basically everything else: 2 suits (one for boobs, one normal) along with 2 costumes.I tried them on, with my own padding (because tight-fitting bodysuits hide my curves.) Before I put on the mask, I saw myself in the mirror out of the corner of my eye. I instantly broke down.You see, I have always had body issues. I never really liked my body. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I never really paid that much attention to it. I guess this was my way of avoiding the issue… My body self-image was very much shit at this point…

    But once I put on the kigu… it was perfect. It all worked together. Finally, I saw the person I was always meant to be. I broke through a mental barrier that day, and it was all thanks to this.I couldn’t believe it. I was so happy!So AWA happened… and, well… Maggie had to go to the hospital, and I tore a ligament in my leg, so we never even got out to the con floor in kigu… Sadness happened, but I had Rias, and was going to comb Kyou out and get her cleaned up. The con was over and I had not officially kigged out on the con floor. I was not a proper kigu yet.This is when the ugly side of kigu comes up.

    I had my own Facebook page, and despite myself and the original Rias clearly saying she sold it, and that I was the new owner, I was reported for stealing her pics.

    People thought I was impersonating her, and got my account shut down.

    I was called “Not a real kigu” because mine was used.

    I was shunned because I had “skipped the wait” of getting my own kigu, a rite of passage of some type, and I had “cheated the system”.

    I felt terrible. Now that I could finally join this community as a full member, and now that I felt so amazing with Rias in my possession, the community turned on me a little. It wasn’t everyone, but it happened often enough that the little mattered a lot. I was heartbroken, had nervous breakdowns, and at some points, I wanted to quit and regretted ever getting Rias and ever thinking I would truly be accepted in the community again. I tried to cam, and I was well-received, but I got a lot of “talk”, “strip”, “show feet” and “you’re not a real kigu.” The first two didn’t bother me and the feet kinda confused me, but the last one always hurt.

    Slowly, over time, I built up enough self-positive images. I felt much better about myself, and I knew this was what was missing from my life. I pushed forward, tried to put the deleted account and hate behind me, and not let it affect me.

    I gradually got to know Cici, Yui, Renko, Neko, Maggie, Celes, Falz, Claire, Aeona, Luka, Sy and so many other kigus from around the world. For the most part, they were positive and great. They supported me even though I was the second owner. Slowly, with their continued support and encouragement, I made Rias my own. And then I heard about Anime North: held in Canada, a large North American kigu gathering was going to happen there. Neko talked me into it (and as a cat girl, she didn’t have to do much to convince me. I can’t say no to catgirls of any type, even kigus.) Anime North happened, and it was amazing! I got out in kigu, I met kigus… I did their hair and loved it! I loved it so much that next year, I am going to make a hair cleaning station for kigus.

    Cons need to be experienced. No words can convey the actual experience of interacting with people and other kigus while you’re in kig yourself.

    I got to meet many kigus and their hosts, and they are amazingly awesome people! I cooked food for them with Shutz, organized a pool shoot for Neko and fixed people’s hadita when they had broken threads. I formed new friendships and connections to people I had always looked up to. I now feel that, even though we are apart, our bond of friendship will remain.I am now happy as Rias. I am feeling more confident in myself as a woman and as a person. I have formed friendships that mean a lot to me. Before Rias, I was never truly myself, but now I am. I am accepted as Rias. I may still get overexcited at times, but people still call me their friend, and give me meaningful compliments on my cosplay. This new world was what was missing all of my life, and has led me to more joy and happiness than I could ever imagine. I thank the community, one and all, for their help along the way. It has been hard, filled with mistakes and breakdowns, hugs and snuggles, and so many other wonderful things.I will always be open when talking about Kigu, because this is now the most important thing in my life. As a woman, a furry, a cosplayer, and a little bit of a fetish enthusiast, I am glad to say kigu is one of the most rewarding hobbies and fandoms that one could ask for.

    3,044 times read

Comments 17

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    Rias Kitsune -

    I think after every Anime North I am going to do this, kinda a life journey thing / year of changing thing

  • User Avatar

    Elisewaterdem7 -

    amazing wrinting

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    Mimic -

    Wow this is a very touching story Rias, I remember seeing the ban messages claiming you were not the real deal, but I didn't think they hurt you so much.

    • User Avatar

      cici -

      people have really no idea how much they can hurt with their words and if they do well......

  • User Avatar

    Raven Ocelot -

    nice write up Rias. while I did not see some thingsd mentioned I thought you might have at the same time it is nice to not have seen it. Please do more.

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    victoria -

    thumbs up Rias

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    Lilykig -

    this made me more excited to become a part of this community :3

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    Chrozi -

    This was quite interesting to read. I can sorta relate to most of these things (especially the shyness)

    • User Avatar

      Chrozi -

      I hit send early oops. I'm still too shy to interact with the kigs in my area or even kigs on this website. Hopefully I'll get more confidence so I can eventually kig as well!

    • User Avatar

      Rias Kitsune -

      hay maybe this will open the door for you *huggs* feel free to interact with me anytime

    • User Avatar

      cici -

      you can talk to us anytime Chrozi just let your fingers do the talking.

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    Contrast -

    Thank you most kindly for the intriguing read. I'm glad to hear that things turned out well for you in the end. Whilst it's certainly not my place to say it and I admittedly have no right to; well done for being brave and congratulations.

    • User Avatar

      Rias Kitsune -

      *huggs* but i dont see this as an ending, it's just the beginning of my life here in kigu, a much happier one with amazing friends, some that one day I hope to consider family

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      Contrast -

      That's certainly lovely to hear ^^

    • User Avatar

      ARRevolution -

      I know stories and that was a great story